Limbo

In many, many ways. Today started CD1 of cycle... 9? Month 14-15. It sucks. I'm slowly creeping into "this isn't happening for us" mode. We really don't have the resources to pursue testing, now that I have a new insurance with a higher deductible, etc etc etc. It sucks. It really, really sucks. So many people announcing pregnancies, so many people pregnant at my employer, and I'm smiling, when inside I just want to cry.

 I don't think K really realizes how long we've been trying, nor how much it bothers me. To him, it just hasn't happened yet, but it will. "When it's supposed to." Well, I'm sorry, but it should have happened already, in my opinion. I know there are women out there who've been trying longer. I know there are women out there who aren't going to have any children at all. I love my daughter deeply, and am blessed to have her. It doesn't make the pain of trying each cycle, and failing, any less.

I have my annual in about two weeks (go figure, it was scheduled for today and my period shows). I'll be talking to my doctor, and going from there to see what we will do. Maybe I'll call insurance and find out how much we're looking at. I just don't know. We're in limbo where baby #2 is concerned. I have a crib broken down in a closet, a swing Keith doesn't wan to get rid of, a bedding set that I fell in love with and had to have. But no baby to use it. Ugh.

To make matters more fun, we're back living with K's family for a few months. We're still in the process of fixing up his grandparents' home, and we're so close to being done. We're just still not. I hope it will only be a few more weeks. Like, a couple. But who knows anymore? The house is almost completely set up, except for trash and odds and ends. We just need to finish the bathrooms. Anymore, though, I just don't give a crap. I'm burned out. I'm pretty sure I'm getting depressed. All I want to do is sit down somewhere, in a corner, and cry. It sucks, and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.

Oh well. Off to work I go, I guess.